Who am I? I'm a wife, a lover, a mother, a best friend. Who am I? I'm a health researcher, a college graduate, a home owner, a tax payer.
Who was I? I was go getter, gonna rule the world, life changer, a party girl, the I wanna be out til the sun comes up girl. Who was I? The college athlete with out a care in the world; the self-centered image vanity seeker.
When did I stop becoming one and started becoming the other? Was it over night? Was it a gradual process? Did I just stop cold turkey? I honestly can't remember.
One day I woke up and my life changed forever. The girl who was going to rule the world became to lady who was having a baby. There was no more going out (people would think a pregnant lady on the dance floor is strange); no more drinking, no more feeling sexy in my own skin.
It's the later that still bugs me the most. I went from a confident bikini wearing short shorts, tub top to unable to look in the mirror. Geeze I used to cringe at the thought of pants! Now they are the first things I go far before going out. If the old me saw me now she would slap the Hades outta me. I promised myself after I had Ace I would go back to normal....wrongoooooooo!!!!!!
All of a sudden I have become mother hen, afraid to leave my little chick behind in fear he might need me; or that I might miss something. Scared because 5 days outta the week my son is in daycare under the eyes of another person without me.
Is it fair to my husband that during the weekend I don't wanna go out cause after all I only get 2 days with Ace to actually spend time with him? Excuse? Yes it is. Scared that I won't look the same in my old clothes or that I shouldn't dress that was as a mommy.
Jealousy? I never used to know the word til recently. Jealous of who? Everyone!!!!! Everyone who stays at home with their kids during the week. Jealous of those who go out dancing. Jealous of those who watch my son during the week. Jealous of those who still look the same as they did 2 years ago. Jealous of those who still go out with their husbands.
I know I write about exercises and ways to feel good bout yourself. But what about the inner person we all have. I tend to focus alot on the outward appearance but I think it's time to switch it up a bit and work on the inner person as well.
Time to get my rear in gear! And focus
Welcome to a once personal trainer, now wife, mother, full time life style advocate, etc...
All the things you said are not negative things my dear! It's all a natural part of growing up and evolving. You are now first and foremost a mommy. You are a wife. He will see you at your best and worst. They both will. Shorty shorts and partying all the time was a different time period, and it's good you experienced it because you know you're not missing out. It was part of a stepping stone to get you to where you are now :) Now you need to just find a balance in your new role in life. Make date nights. Let your mom watch the baby for a few hours. Work out not to fit an image of what you think you need to be, but to be healthy and strong. Have family outtings, that way you don't feel guilty about leaving Cam behind. :) <3 Love you!
ReplyDeleteYou know lovey I knew there was a reason you are my best friend <3
ReplyDeleteI can relate to EVERY WORD of this! That's pretty much exactly how I've been feeling. Trying to be super mom + working is tough stuff! It's an encouragement to me to know that I'm not the only one who has had these feelings tho.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to know I can help! Sometimes a rant and run really help with coping...at least for me it helps. Remember youre a woman, WE CAN DO ANYTHING!
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